“There are a few things you need to know before we start,” said the solicitor at Mary’s mother’s will reading. “As you are aware, your mother signed over her house to you three years before she died, which meant that in the last few years of her life you and Cyril had full control of the house. Apparently you subsequently made her life at home pretty miserable. Your mother made a provision for this eventuality in her will, which she entrusted to me before she signed over the house to you. She also took the precaution of recording the conversation you had with her the day you laid down the ground rules for her continued occupancy of the house. The recording of the conversation is also in my possession. The mistake you made was allowing her to keep using her computer, and allowing her to walk into town to see her friends. I will now read the letter she left with me to read to you after her death.”
Thank you for allowing me to stay on in my house after I signed it over to you, albeit on your terms. I am sorry if I offended you by taking too much time in the bathroom as you frequently complained that I did, or if I expressed any opinion that you might not agree with, when you actually allowed me to speak. However, as requested by you, I did not attempt to talk at meal times when you had visitors, and I stayed in my room for the remainder of their stay.
I hope that my car you decided to deprive me of using can be repaired – you may have to get the petrol system drained of the sugar I put into the tank. That was a bit mean of me, I suppose, but when you took the keys away from me, I decided you wouldn’t have the use of the car either.
As it happened, using the bus to go to town enabled me to meet a very nice gentleman, and we struck up quite a friendship. We used to chat a lot on the internet after that. One day we went to bingo, and would you believe, I won quite a bit of money. I must have been on a winning streak, because I bought a lottery ticket that same day, and gave it to Barry for safe keeping. There were five winners that day and my share was £2.3 million. Barry and I were going to run away together, as you made my life so miserable at home, but it was then I discovered I was dying, so I invested the whole lot in a dog’s home – I did it all by myself on the internet. I thought you would approve of me showing initiative.
I don’t think you could have read the small print when you made me sign over my house to you. My solicitor will fill you in with the details, as he knew I had already taken advantage of an equity release on the property. In reality, I’m afraid there is nothing much left for me to leave you, but you are welcome to any of my remaining trinkets, and of course, my red hat and purple coat you loved so much!
Your Loving Mum x’